Mother Pain & Through
Mother pain is a unique kind of pain, because the very one who brought you life is the same one who can denigrate that life-force. She birthed you, she had a hand in encoding your DNA, she knows what pressure points to hit, she knows your vulnerabilities. Now, an irresponsible mother might use those vulnerabilities against you instead of using them to bolster you and have you believing in all parts of yourself.
I recently got into a pretty heated argument with my mother. There was screaming, there was throwing, there was crying. And there was a specific moment where I said, f**k it; I don't even need my composure cuz I'm sick of this shit between us and I might as well go ham cuz nothing. else. ever. works. and, during the argument, the same epithets were hurled at me since my teenage years: "disrespectful, rebellious, you wanna do what you wanna do." Now, in my stronger moments, I laugh those words off because, what exactly is wrong with doing what I want to do? What else should I be motivated by? But that night, it especially hurt how my own mother would look at these parts of me as if they're negative or something to be ashamed of or something for me to rid myself of. But during that fight, there was a moment where I told her, you've been calling me these same things since I was 15,16 and I don't think that's ever going to change; that's who I'll always be in your eyes, so I've resigned myself to the fact.
And for me the dilemma is: Where does one draw the line between "my mother and I will never see eye to eye, she will never understood or accept these aspects of me, but I can still have a relationship with her--hopefully, a strong, supportive, and loving one" and "my mother will never truly know me and I might as well stop bothering"? And that's been my struggle for a few years now and I'm halfway into my 22nd year and I don't have an answer. I'm at a crossroads, you could say--how much do I continue to invest in this dynamic, because, as it stands now, I feel like a stranger to her.
So I just wonder, how many fucks to give? I know that if I don't resolve this tension and disconnect I feel between me and my mother, it will turn up in other areas of my life. Whether that be friendships, romantic & professional relationships, and whatever authority figures. And I don't think it's completely healthy to say, fuck it, I don't care anymore; there's nothing I can do, but I'm really at a loss as to how to live well with her and not feel like I'm giving up parts of myself to please another.
And then there's ego. The desire to hold onto parts of me that I feel she can take away--with her words, restrictions, etc. What are the parts of me that I'm willing to mold, rearrange, or even let go of in order to enter a more harmonious relationship with the whole of creation? Let my maternal relationship be a microcosm of that purification process. Because how much of "my-self" do I need? I need NOT get attached to her words and perceptions of me.Prayer: Let this experience wash over me. Let it dissolve all the aspects of self I no longer need. Let me hold onto the soulself that has carried me through these years.
But mother pain is very interesting...it's like...yourself, turning on you or a distorted vision in the mirror. I perceive something kind of sinister in mother-daughter dynamics sometimes. And it's scary, because I think: Will I turn into this? Even if I'm really careful?
However, please share your comments and suggestions. How have you altered &/or augmented your relationship with your mother? What strategies do you use for conflict resolution? When &/or how do you decide it's not important to be understood? Place your feather on the scale.
I recently got into a pretty heated argument with my mother. There was screaming, there was throwing, there was crying. And there was a specific moment where I said, f**k it; I don't even need my composure cuz I'm sick of this shit between us and I might as well go ham cuz nothing. else. ever. works. and, during the argument, the same epithets were hurled at me since my teenage years: "disrespectful, rebellious, you wanna do what you wanna do." Now, in my stronger moments, I laugh those words off because, what exactly is wrong with doing what I want to do? What else should I be motivated by? But that night, it especially hurt how my own mother would look at these parts of me as if they're negative or something to be ashamed of or something for me to rid myself of. But during that fight, there was a moment where I told her, you've been calling me these same things since I was 15,16 and I don't think that's ever going to change; that's who I'll always be in your eyes, so I've resigned myself to the fact.
And for me the dilemma is: Where does one draw the line between "my mother and I will never see eye to eye, she will never understood or accept these aspects of me, but I can still have a relationship with her--hopefully, a strong, supportive, and loving one" and "my mother will never truly know me and I might as well stop bothering"? And that's been my struggle for a few years now and I'm halfway into my 22nd year and I don't have an answer. I'm at a crossroads, you could say--how much do I continue to invest in this dynamic, because, as it stands now, I feel like a stranger to her.
So I just wonder, how many fucks to give? I know that if I don't resolve this tension and disconnect I feel between me and my mother, it will turn up in other areas of my life. Whether that be friendships, romantic & professional relationships, and whatever authority figures. And I don't think it's completely healthy to say, fuck it, I don't care anymore; there's nothing I can do, but I'm really at a loss as to how to live well with her and not feel like I'm giving up parts of myself to please another.
And then there's ego. The desire to hold onto parts of me that I feel she can take away--with her words, restrictions, etc. What are the parts of me that I'm willing to mold, rearrange, or even let go of in order to enter a more harmonious relationship with the whole of creation? Let my maternal relationship be a microcosm of that purification process. Because how much of "my-self" do I need? I need NOT get attached to her words and perceptions of me.Prayer: Let this experience wash over me. Let it dissolve all the aspects of self I no longer need. Let me hold onto the soulself that has carried me through these years.
But mother pain is very interesting...it's like...yourself, turning on you or a distorted vision in the mirror. I perceive something kind of sinister in mother-daughter dynamics sometimes. And it's scary, because I think: Will I turn into this? Even if I'm really careful?
However, please share your comments and suggestions. How have you altered &/or augmented your relationship with your mother? What strategies do you use for conflict resolution? When &/or how do you decide it's not important to be understood? Place your feather on the scale.
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